Matthew's 1st Scout Camp! (June 17-23, 2018)

On Father's Day this year, the boys left to go to Scout Camp. This was Matthew's first year going. He was super excited to go, I may not have been quite as excited as he was. I have 4 older brothers, I have heard all kinds or horrible things that happen at camps.

The Scoutmaster texted me a few times throughout the week and let me know he was doing well, and that he was really fun to talk to because he has such a high level of thinking.

Matthew had fun even though there were A LOT of spiders in the "tents" shelters, that were open on two sides. Basically if the rain was coming straight down then they would be fine, it not them and all of their stuff would get wet.

It was really hot this week, AND it was really wet this week.

While Matthew was at Scout Camp, I was helping at Cub Scout Day Camp. I thought that Allison would like it a whole lot more than she actually did. It was A LOT of walking around and she didn't like that part. They did get to go fishing, shoot bb guns, shoot archery and lots of other things but she didn't love it.

This is all of the kids doing "The Floss".

 I did Cub Skills all week and the first two days we used hammers. My head actually hurt by the end of the day.

It was a VERY long week.

Michelle came with us a couple days and stayed with some people at the playground but it was too hot for her to be outside all day long. Thankfully Chris as able to be home a couple days so she didn't have to go everyday with me.

Here is Michelle in her orange shirt meaning that she was in the kids watch area.

I had a bright yellow shirt like this guy since I was staff and there all week. The Webelos, which is what Allison was had green shirts and the Cubs had blue shirts.

I was SOOOO glad when it was over and I don't want to do it next year. 

Yelling WHILE swimming

How often do you hear a swimmer yell back at a coach WHILE they are competing in a race....YEP, only my son.

He was doing a 50y backstroke last night and apparently his coach felt like he should be kicking more so he was yelling "kick, kick" after which apparently Matthew felt like he was already kicking as hard as he could and without missing a beat yells back, "I AM"....... Clearly we need to work on his respect, but all of the coaches and I were dying laughing as well as those that saw/heard what happened.

Matthew did apologize to his coach after he was done with his race without me telling him to, so there may be some hope...

Matthew's Poster Display (June 11, 2018)

At the end of 6th grade all of the 6th graders had these posters that they made with the different things they wrote in Language Arts.

We went in to see him and Michelle liked seeing her brother at his school.

After I took all of these off of his poster, I am saving them in a tupperware storage but I also took pictures of them.

Mrs. Williams' W (June 11, 2018)

By the end of the year I try to make the first letter of my kids' elementary teacher's name with Crayons to remember my kids by.

Here is Mrs. Williams' W

Of course she loved it. 

We think this is Allison's #1 teacher and that is a hard place to fill.

She was so sweet to care about me and our family and especially Allison when we lost the baby. She even gave me her cell number in case I needed her.

She is such a wonderful teacher!!

It Is What It Is (D&C #2)

A week ago was suppose to be an exciting day to announce that we were pregnant to family and friends but instead it was just the opposite I have cried and grieved but I have also been trying to find whatever positives I can out of the situation.

I have 3 beautiful, healthy children and I am very grateful for them and when something like this happens, I hold them even closer and appreciate them even more.

It has been hard to know we won't have that other one to join our family. We would like one more, but we just don't know if that will happen.

Thursday finding out the news was hard and we all have cried, thankfully Friday I was pretty distracted all day. Saturday we still had friends here so some more distractions and then Chris also left that day (the one week a year that he actually leaves for work. He goes to grade High School AP exams for 7 very long days, not a fun way to spend 7 very long days but he gets paid well to do it and they pay for all expenses, meaning planes, hotel and food) which was hard to not have him around anymore at this time. He did ask if I wanted him to stay home and not go, but to me, I had enough support around me that it would be better for him to go and make the money. I am really glad he went, not that I don't want him around, but I think I would feel even more bad that he was loosing out on that money when the only thing I REALLY needed him for was a ride, so I feel like it was a good choice to still have him go.

Sunday was hard to go to church and see people that knew and they would hug me and I would start crying. We had stake conference that was broadcast to us and so it was darker inside which was nice. I did cry quite a bit during that time, especially during the songs because songs just speak to me, and then Allison was also crying which started me. However, after we got home I think we all did pretty well.

Monday morning when I was getting the D&C scheduled I did tear up about talking about it to nurses but overall did pretty well.

I had to keep myself busy, so I installed a medicine cabinet which seemed like it would be a whole lot easier than it was. I had to remove a stud to make it fit, but I was FINALLY able to cross that off of my list, and it helped pass the time.

I mowed the lawn and went grocery shopping because I wasn't sure what I would be up to doing after the procedure. 

The soonest I MY doctor, Dr. Tozer was able to do the surgery was Wednesday morning. I could have gotten it done sooner if I didn't care what Dr did it, but I have a history with Dr. Tozer and she has just been the greatest Dr for me so I definitely wanted her to do it.

Tuesday, I had to go in to see Dr. Tozer and "prep" me for the following morning. She put things inside of me, intentionally! Sounds weird and didn't feel comfortable. She was softening the cervix and make the procedure safer so she put 2 tissue type things in and 3 Q-tip like looking things in as well. She said that they may fall out and that would be ok, but just to count how many came out so she would know how many to take out the next morning. She has been incredible!!!

Then after that Dr. appointment, I had to go to the hospital and get two different pokes for blood work. Since I had never been to Henrico Doctor's Hospital before, they don't have any record of bloodwork in case a blood transfusion was needed during the procedure. They couldn't get the inside of my elbow so they had to poke again and get the blood from my hand. Then for the second poke, again, couldn't get it from the inside of the elbow on the other arm so they went to the other hand again. I kind of looked like I had gotten beaten up with all four bandages/gauzes. They felt bad but I would just say, it is what it is. There is nothing different that can be done in the situation. Nothing can change so I just have to do whatever is needed to get done and press forward. It is what it is.

However, that night I had lots of cramping and it hurt to sit or walk or move and I couldn't wait for it to get over. I took Ibuprofen and kept a heating pad on to trying to deal with the pain.

So yesterday morning my friend, Jessica Rowland, who we go on walks and have great talks together (and Jessica is only 2 weeks older than me:) volunteered to watch Michelle for me. Her son, Nicky, is two months younger than Michelle and she also has a daughter that just turned 1. Jessica came about 7:30 to pick up Michelle and when I went to put Michelle in her car, she started to not want to go. (Other than going to nursery, she doesn't get watched by people not her family very often so I knew this might be hard on her.) I was trying to make her excited about where she was going and saying,

"Michelle, you get to go see Nicky and play with him. Mommy is going to go see Dr. Tozer today." 

Michelle has been with me to see Dr. Tozer twice the last week and so she kind of knows who that is. 

With which Michelle responds,

"Is Dr. Tozer going to make your baby not dead anymore?"

Oh be still my heart. Sweet little girl. 

I responded with,

"Oh sweet girl, Dr. Tozer is going to make mommy feel better."

Now Dr. Tozer is REALLY good.....but she is not THAT good.

(When I told Dr. Tozer this story, she responded, oh I wish)

So Allison got on the bus, Michelle was picked up and then Matthew was at the bus stop when my wonderful friend who I feel like is always taking care of us, Debbie Dalton came to pick me up.

She is so wonderful! I am ACTUALLY supposed to be her visiting teacher and yet she has so much family around that she never needs me and yet she is always helping me and our family.

I was going to drive myself there and just leave Chris' car so I would only need someone to pick me up but she insisted that she take me and bring me home.

We got there, checked in and then they took me back to prep, which I was grateful it was all starting because I did not enjoy all the cramping.

I had great nurses who were fun and kept me distracted and were just great and loving, caring and kind. 

Dr. Tozer came in and she just makes me smile. I know it was a sad situation and she has been feeling so SO bad for me, but it is what it is and she is going to help take care of the situation.

She is the best OBGYN I have ever had. She just listens to me, I feel like I can tell her exactly how I am feeling and she makes me feel like a friend always wanting to help me.

I got my IV, said bye to Debbie and they wheeled me back to the OR. Meanwhile, I was already starting feel the effects of whatever drug they gave me. I know that my eye sight wasn't quite as clear anymore.

I am pretty sure I had to move to a different bed when I went into the room, though I don't physically remember that action, but I am sure I did. Then they put one arm out, and I think they other. They did ask me a question and I remember telling them something about something Dr. Tozer said, only to then realize that Dr. Tozer was right there but she had on all her scrubs and mask and eye shield and everything so a little hard to recognize her, but I never remember thinking, here it comes, or this is it, or ANYTHING like that.

I have been put to sleep many times, and weirdly enough, I LOVE getting put to sleep!!! Usually though I can tell it is coming, I feel all warm and then I just let it happen or start counting backwards from 10 and get to 8 or something like that but here all I remember is they are trying to wake me up and I was like, ummmm but I didn't go to sleep yet, and you haven't done anything. I remember them trying to talk to me but I didn't respond, until I heard Dr. Tozer's voice, then my eyes opened......I think she said everything went well, but I don't really remember. When she left I closed my eyes again and just wanted to go back to that wonderful sleep again, but the nurse started asking me questions. I don't remember what she asked me but I do remember answering them and started to wake up more and more.

I had to pee and finally felt like I was ready to get dressed, and get out of the warm bed they had me in:) I was very groggy, but got dressed and then the nurse helped me to the bathroom. I felt like I was "fine" until she let me go in the bathroom myself and then I realized she was actually helping me quite a bit. I did my busy, washed and dried and then pulled the nurse button, I have never pulled that nurse button in the bathroom before. I was glad when she came in though.

She put me in a wheelchair and then wheeled me outside to where Debbie had her car waiting to pick me up. I was still very groggy but able to function. Though I was glad that I did not have to drive myself home.

I texted Jessica to let her know we were headed home and she was just about to feed the kids lunch so she was going to feed them and then bring Michelle home. Debbie came home and helped me on the couch and then went to get my medication and picked up Subway lunch for me!! Definitely the greatest.

While she was gone, Michelle came home and Jessica had to hold my hand as we went upstairs and quickly put Michelle to bed and then she had to hold my hand while she put me back on the couch. She was wonderful, and once I was situated, she left and then Debbie came back. We ate and talked together and then she finally needed to leave. 

Allison came home from school and when Michelle got up, took care of Michelle. Then another friend Elizabeth Swainston came to bring us dinner and also to chat and help with whatever needed to be done. Once Matthew got home, after awhile she left. At dinner time Allison started warming up the sauce that she brought, and cooked noodles, though I didn't want her to take the boiling water over so I did very carefully do that part, but she then served up all the plates and was just the best helper. Matthew meanwhile was messing with his molar and it was so close to coming out. He couldn't do anything else but mess with it. He had a service project for scouts last night and I knew that for 1, I didn't want him to lose it while out doing that because then he would probably physically lose it on the ground or something, as well as not be able to work because it would be messing with it until it finally came out.

So he did FINALLY get it out before he had to leave so that was good!

The Nielsens picked Matthew up to take to scouts and then Sharon Richardson came and picked Allison up to go to Activity Day Girls. It was a little bad because those kids are such great helpers when they know I need them to help, and they were leaving. However, I dialed up the good old trusty babysitter....PBS and Netflix to babysit Michelle so I didn't have to do anything and they did their job for the hour that Allison and Matthew were gone. When they got home, I had them help me go upstairs to put Michelle to bed and then they went to bed themselves. I did take Ibuprofen about 2:30 that afternoon because my "stomach" area was sore, and I thought I would need to take some before I went to bed but it wasn't hurting so I didn't. I only have one medication I am taking and that is to help the uterus contract down. It is just a pill I take 3 times a day for 2 days. However, when Debbie picked it up for me, the pharmacy only had 3/6 of the pills so I will have to go to the pharmacy before lunch today to pick up the rest of it.

I am actually doing really well with everything. I am most grateful that it is done and over with. The thought of having a baby that is not alive still inside of me does not make me feel good and having to wait until I can get it out, the cramping, and bleeding just isn't what I like to do. So now that it is done and over with, I don't have to think about the D&C anymore, I don't have to arrange rides or babysitters or anything. I just now start healing and move on. Hopefully we will be able to get pregnant again, soon. If not, though I want a 4th, and I want that playmate for Michelle, it is not up to us.

Emotionally I am in a much better place than I was the first time so I am going to be ok, it is what it is and I will be able to move on.

Sad Week

Well, last Thursday, May 31, 2018, our family had been waiting for this day for at least a month. This was the day that we were going to start telling everybody that we were pregnant. The kids had been counting down the days.

This was going to be my 16 week appointment.

I had an appointment at 11 weeks 6 days and we saw the heartbeat but couldn't hear it. I had been told that once you hear the heartbeat, it is more likely that you won't have a miscarriage. Since I had lost a baby at 14 weeks before, I wanted to wait until after my 14 week appointment to start spreading the news.

Anyways, Allison and Michelle came with me for this appointment. The nurse couldn't really find the baby's heartbeat, but she said she could see it on her devise, but I wasn't so sure. However, when the Dr. came in she thought we had heard it and asked if we were excited to hear the heartbeat. We told her we never did so she went and her little phone-size ultrasound, which is what she used at the last appointment but she still couldn't see anything. She told me she wanted to tell me everything was fine but she needed me to go to the a big ultrasound to make sure. She was obviously concerned, and ultrasound got me right in. Dr. Tozer actually came to the ultra sound waiting room and had me go with her. She stayed with me the whole time while the girls stayed out in the hall with some nurses. They did measurements and it seemed like the baby was kind of small for 16 weeks. I was also trying to see if it was moving but the technician would move it and then pause it so quickly to get the measurements I couldn't tell for sure, but I wasn't seeing a heartbeat anywhere. Dr. Tozer stayed with me the whole time and finally she just said, I am so sorry. I knew what that meant. I had been here before. I cried and Dr. Tozer just stayed with me until I was ready to bring the girls back in and tell them. I have a pretty awesome OBGYN.

It has been hard to deal with once again, but because I had dealt with this before it isn't as big of a shot as the first one. I have also been cautiously optimistic about the whole pregnancy and not let myself get SUPER excited. 

I have been trying to find the good things in this situation.

I got to go with Matthew the next day to Busch Gardens and ride the rides with him and his friends. 

We were invited to go on a cruise with some friends but it was right at the end of the pregnancy so we couldn't, now we are really contemplating it.

Also, I have a wisdom tooth that came down and now maybe I can get it taken care of and not have to wait so long.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about the situation.

I am actually waiting to hear when I can get my D&C scheduled. I really want Dr. Tozer to do it (in fact when I had my first D&C, is when I met her the first time) and so I trying to work around her schedule but yet get it done ASAP because I have started bleeding. The lady that called me today was going to go talk to Dr. Tozer and see what they would be able to do. Just waiting to hear back.

I am ready to get it over with so I can try to move on physically and emotionally. 

Chorus-Busch Gardens (June 1, 2018)

Matthew's Chorus has a big competition, in Williamsburg, I think every year but I am not sure since this was his first year.

Anyways, he brought home a sheet saying that the chorus would be selling chocolate bars to help raise their money. There are 60 bars that come in a box $1/each. How many boxes did we want. I didn't think we would even be able to sell 60 so I only asked for one box. Matthew (with my help) ended up selling 8 boxes ourselves. With the help of another kid at a different school, Matthew ended up selling 17 boxes. That was enough for Matthew to be completely paid for, I could go as a chaperone for free now and then Matthew applied what was left towards his church friend, Luke so he didn't have to pay as much to go, I think only like $15 for Luke to go. The kids needed $150 each and that chaperones were like $75 or something like that. Bottom line, we didn't have to pay anything. 

I got to ride on the bus with the kids. We went to the music festival for them all to sing and then they got changed into their chorus shirts and we headed over to Busch Gardens. Neither Matthew nor I had ever been to Busch Gardens before.

I wasn't going to ride the rides since I was going to be pregnant but we found out the day before this that the baby wasn't alive anymore so I was trying to find whatever positives I could out of the situation, and one was now I could ride the rides so I rode all of the ones the kids wanted to go on. Another dad and I were in charge of 6 boys and they were really good kids all day.

Matthew rode with Luca on the bus and had fun.

We had a fun time.

First Merit Badges!! (May 30, 2018)

Matthew FINALLY had his first Court of Honor and he got his first merit badges. 

He also got presented his Tenderfoot, 2nd Class, and 1st Class ranks.

That first one, the cycling, I am VERY attached to since I did ALLLLLLL of those miles with him!!! Such a huge accomplishment that I can't believe we actually did and it is something that we will always treasure together. Such a cool experience to be able to do that. 176 miles in 6 weeks was A LOT of miles but it was good time to communicate.

Cycling Merit Badge!!!

I even sewed them on rather quickly after to got them so that we wouldn't lose them.